What’s on my mind?

Zero to Hero wants to know.  Or wants me to know.  Or you.  So, here:  

Today’s assignment: write the post that was on your mind when you decided to start a blog.

• There was none.  I already write daily and it’s private, personal writing. Although most of it is journal/stream of consciousness writing, I sometimes write using the type of frameworks one learns to communicate with others and be understood.  And so, because some of my writing might be understood by others, I wondered what would I happen if I shared it.  I have dear friend that blogs and she seems to do that with a mixture of fearlessness and conscientious editorship and so I wondered how I’d do writing regularly on a public blog. So this is me following through with this idea and currently driven by the Zero to Hero prompts.

If I were to share some “Big Idea” with the world, well, what would I say? Here’s a partial list:

• I am curious as to whether “I can write” publicly. I know I can write but there is a particular, seemingly bigger “I can write” that applies to being liked and read and followed (I think I’d find these words appropriate even if they didn’t apply to some of the buttons one can press when reading a blog).
• I struggle with the intensity of feelings I have regarding: sometimes feeling violently lonely and sometimes fiercely wanting to be left alone. I wonder if writing publicly can shed some light on that.
• I want to be found amazing.  Sometimes when my internal critic is distracted I find myself amazing.  But I wonder if I can be found amazing by strangers who don’t already love me.  And why should I care?  I am not sure.  Maybe I don’t care but I’m so for sure curious about it.
• Can this medium help me find others to connect and admire and love and want to make waffles for? Or whatever they like to eat… Can writing publicly and reading others’ blogs help me find someone who I can say I LIKE YOU SO MUCH I WANNA MEET YOU AND BE YOUR FRIEND to?  Without seeming like a creep, though…
• Would you ask me some questions? Anything that might help me learn more about myself.  Or is there anything you want to say?  About you. That might help me learn more about you.
• I don’t know why people are sometimes so crappy to each other, so dismissive. I think it’s because it’s easier to live with the door closed than to live with it open. I hate it. I hope I can catch the times when I’m being crappy and dismissive too.
• Why in the hell can’t people appreciate what they have? Why is it so hard? That against: What is it that happens that allows us to heat up and boil in life situations and relationships that makes us unhappy yet we stay there, forever and ever and soul-crushing, hope-numbing ever?
• Would it be entirely humiliating and crazy ridiculous and the-opposite-of-your-goal-is-what’s-gonna-happen if I made a blog to find the super-duper-amazing bestly-matched and rightly-so and non-stifling-at-all capital-L Love of my life? Would the fact that I do this be the final preventing factor to us finding each other?  Might there really somebody out there for everybody?

All right… feeling kind of yucky right now. So I’m gonna go ahead and press “post”. Ugh.