Not so sure

Not so sure this thing is for me, this blogging thing, and I’m only 11 days in. Maybe what’s not for me is writing every day. It’s what I was trying to do starting on the 1st of the year. And then the zerotohero challenge was mentioned by a friend and I thought that was kind of a neat idea but the prompts ended up being something other than what I hoped. I wanted it to suggest interesting things to post daily but there’s other challenges for that. And looking at those, I really need to dig around to find something I feel motivated to respond to. Most aren’t what I’d like to be trying so I’ve kept posting things I myself want to post although I’ve felt several times like I’m pushing it and forcing it out, making me a bit embarrassed to press “post” but feeling like “this is the only time today I’ll have to do this” and I wanna see what it’s like to do all days in a month. I’m being kind of all-or-nothing but I’m mostly able to do this about posting every day, not about posting only what I think is “worth” the post because then I’m afraid I’d probably hardly ever post. I don’t know. I guess zerotohero is kind of like a mini course on expectations for bloggers (do this, click this, widget this, stand out, fidget to find the best look, etc). It’s educational but not especially motivating for amateur me. I HAVE enjoyed posting some things and have been so interested to learn who is interested in them. I am FLATTERED and FLOORED whenever somebody “likes” a post… but I feel like what I’m asking of myself in this thing is to be some sort of “life of the party” or “truth holding guru” every time I post. Which, sure, it’s more about a ridiculous expectation I have on myself: to do everything I can to be “worth your time” so that you will stay. But I can’t design that even in my regular life and if I could I wouldn’t understand the point of it anyway since those who stay, stay. And it’s because they are sold on who I am when regular life is going on, not just when I’m at my best. And there’s nothing more awful than having someone stay because you’ve been morphing yourself into who they want you to be cause then you’re stuck doing that and as soon as you stop, and one day you will have to, they will leave. So why do it here, be the life of the party, in this format? To an audience of who knows who? I don’t even know who my intended audience is or who I want them to be. I feel like I sound ungrateful (sorry browsers, readers, likers, followers, and commenters) but it’s not what I mean. I’m just not getting this and I’m feeling like publicly writing about it (mostly because that will fill in today and maybe because my insecurity feels like making excuses for the lack of quality of some of my blog’s content). The latest suggestions from zerotohero are “make your About page irresistible” and “follow 5 more blogs and or topics”. Well… why irresistible? I’m not irresistible. I’ve defaulted to what I tend to do which is more sort of honest and straight forward. If that’s not enough then that’s what’s gonna be there anyway. Follow 5 more blogs and or topics? Hmmm… I am following a few and look forward to one day being able to go more deeply into others that I will want to follow but I’m a bit overwhelmed already by the amount of time it takes to post something. Because I want it to be understood by many, no? And I want to be generous in what I give and really give something I’d like to get, something that will be “worth something”. And I want readers to finish reading, no? And I want readers to read me again, no? I guess. All that takes SO much time and I’m already so very busy with job and home and just my brain and my spirits and trying to get done all that needs to get done. Ugh… I don’t know. There’s also a part of me that worries that every hour I spend in front of this machine is one hour I don’t spend walking outside where the humans are or pursuing things that will amount to accomplishments that are more than the “I tried that” checkmark. Hmm…I think I’ll finish off the month with 31 consecutive days and then begin to post just whenever if at all.

To finish off, if you’ve read this far, I guess I just want to say:

Sorry for when you feel it’s a waste of time to read what I’ve posted.
And
I am so magnanimously glad when I can post something that gives anything to you.

I hope you enjoy your weekend and are able to get what you want from it.

and that should be reason enough.

It’s easier not to do it.  Not to write this.  Because writing “outward” feels scary.  Because of what you might write back or what you might think.  But I’ll never know what it’s like to do this unless I do it and I really want to know.  Or, rather, I really don’t want to not know what it’s like.  So here it goes.  And if you stick around, thanks for being a part of it.

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January 1st:  Today is the first day.  And the ice in the streets is dirty and shiny and solid and there and salt doesn’t make a difference.  Sooty and buffed.  Grey glass.  Sculptures.  Meltable litter.

And tomorrow I will go to work.

And tonight I will fantasize about things that can’t happen. Or haven’t and feel like they won’t.

And I will post this post.  For me.  For you.  For anyone.

Happy new year.

Note:

  • pulled pork for breakfast is a good idea
  • coffee should be strong if that’s what you like
  • fish tanks that look like ponds can be healthier than the ones that look like toys
  • shoulds are arbitrary and subjective and most are best ignored