What’s the point?

Reading quietly in my kitchen I am suddenly assaulted with:
I don’t know where this came from and now it’s in my head.
Disarming and unexpected, I don’t know that I’ve ever had an answer to this.
I close the book and think.
I stand up and look out the window at the frozen, stupid, grey street and feel completely
I’ve spoken to people recently and even laughed and hung out but
right now
it feels like that has never happened.
Or like most moments with others are guarded or short and shallow but because I’m so grateful to get any interaction at all I’ll take anything I can get and don’t realize what it was like until much later.
And I feel so loudly
and in the way and taking up space.
And it’s obvious that me not being at all has got to be better for the world than me being here like this.
I walk around the house.
I lay down on the floor and look around.
Is everything around me what “makes” the point?
If that was true then it would be me who ultimately makes it.
I look at the spines of my books. Some are who I’ve been, others who I’ve been encouraged to be, and the rest show who I am or look forward to being.  They connect me to stories and interests and those in turn connect me, I suppose, 
to others.
To other people. 
And I look at my plants- all green, some blooming.
It was me who put them there. And they grow.
They don’t expect anything from me, they’ll just thrive if I tend to them and die if I don’t.
Maybe somewhere within that is the point: pursuing my interests and creating dependencies around me I give myself a role.
I have to construct an environment around me so I have something to tend to and care about.
So I have reason to be.
And there can be a point.
But I’ve done that. For years. The job I love, my home, all the places I go, the people I know, it’s all a proof of that.
Yet the question still comes up.
I turn on the radio and the world fills the room. A hopeful music teacher talking about the importance of teaching music to children. Something about them learning so much more than just that, which is pretty big in itself. And I wonder if that’s her making “a point”
for them
as well as for herself (they’ll need her to make this happen and both a job and a need is created for her, making a point for her too).
There is no end to this.
And I can faintly sense a more chipper self in the distance saying,
“Sweetheart, that’s just the wrong question”.
Explaining that questions like this are lose/lose questions for people without a god because the fact is that you are simply here and what you can do, your point, is to use every resource possible to make the best of the time that you are here so that you can leave everything better than you found it. Right?
I think I’m ready for my Huxley Soma now…Hmmm… maybe in the form of a show… maybe a Northern Exposure episode is in order…

Zero to Hero


This is my second day writing here.  My third post.  My first for ZtH.  The nice folks over at dailypost.wordpress.com will be posting blog writing prompts for participants to address. Being new to this, it sounded like a good idea.  So I’ll try it.  I think it might help me figure some things out.  Here it goes:

Today’s assignment: write and publish a “who I am and why I’m here” post.

What are you about?  I’m about thoughts and feelings and want and question. And experience and story.  And brunch.

Why should they read your  blog?  I don’t know.  I don’t know if they should read it.  I just want to know if anybody wants to.  I want to know if there are others out there that I can connect with or that can connect with me (funny how that seems like it should go both ways but it doesn’t necessarily).

Why are you blogging, rather than keeping a personal journal?  I am doing both. I just want to see if being “public” changes anything.

What topics do you think you’ll write about?  thoughts, daily life, things I wish for or want to share

Who would you love to connect with via your blog? I’d like to meet the love of my life.  And make some friends.  And feel some sort of community and kinship with others.

If you blog successfully throughout 2014, what would you hope to have accomplished? I hope I will have learned more about what happens when I express myself through this medium.  I hope that I will have connected with others and found out more stuff about myself.  I hope that this will not feel as daunting as it feels now.